


Kurapika x Reader's Mom

by Ceileice



Category: Hunter X Hunter
Genre: Children, F/M, Fluff, Homely Setting, I hate myself, Love, Mother's Day, Romance, kill me
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-12
Updated: 2015-07-12
Packaged: 2018-04-08 21:53:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,964
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4322103
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ceileice/pseuds/Ceileice
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kurapika and your mom finally settle down.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Kurapika x Reader's Mom

**Author's Note:**

> I decided I'm writing this instead of the Wal-Mart fanfic today. sorry losers.
> 
> ur mom will love this fic!!!!!!!!!!11!1
> 
> Oh yeah, this is pure crack, not serious (had to add this because some fucking people just don't get it...)
> 
> P.S. lmfao i suck at "x reader" fics maaaaan... but i hate them anyway lol

It was a nice, lovely evening. The sun was just setting below the horizon, the birds had finally quieted down, and the neighbors kids were hushed and sent inside their homes. 

Curfew hours. 

Your mother was preparing a special dinner for a special someone, who said he'd finally return to settle down with her this day. So this day was special to your mom. 

"I can't wait for him to show up," Your mother thinks as she sets the tablecloth upon the table. She then assorts dishes as well as utensils and napkins onto the table cloth in front of places where seats sat. A basket of breadsticks had been placed there, too, and some were filled with cheese. Your mother knew how much her lovebunny baby loved fried cheese! 

With a sigh of relief because everything had gone so well so far, your mother wipes sweat off of her forehead. Just then, the doorbell rung. 

"I'm coming!" Your mother yells as she runs to the door to greet bae. 

She unlocks the door with ease to see him... 

Him... 

Kurapika. 

"Konichiwa, (your mother's name)!" Kurapika says. He looks exhausted, yet happy. He's also covered in blood all over. 

"Konbawa, Kurapika!" your mother says as she flings herself into her lover's arms. It had been so long since she had last hugged him. 

They hug passionately for many minutes. Kurapika can't remember the last time he held someone this passionately, especially covered in blood. 

Your mother doesn't fucking care, though, because Kurapika is bae. 

After some more minutes, your mother and Kurapika walk inside the house, and she locks the door. "Welcome home!" 

Kurapika is leaving a bloody trail on the carpet. Your mother noticed this and is now, of all times, suddenly surprised. 

"Would you like a bath first? Or would you like to enjoy dinner?" your mom asks, just like cheesy anime. 

It took Kurapika long enough to process this, but your mom was wearing nothing but an apron and heels. Fucking hooooootTttt!! He blushes bright red, he hasn't seen a woman naked in many moons. Only naked men. 

"Dinner sounds nice, (your mama's name), I'm famished!" Kurapika finally answers after rubbing your mom's ass with his bloody hands. So your mother leads Kurapika to the dining room, where the nice table is set. 

"Ah, Shimata!" your mother exclaims before rushing into the kitchen again. She had forgot to turn off the oven! 

Kurapika settled his bloody ass down in one of the nice chairs, staining one of the nice cushions, and picks out a piece of cheesy breadstick even though he didn't even bother washing his nasty ass hands. He bites into the breadstick. The gooey cheese oozes out and stretches. 

"I haven't tasted anything this delicious in so long." Kurapika says after your mom returns with the main course. It was a BIG ALBINO LOBSTER! 

Then Kurapika gasped! He hadn't seen an albino lobster since his childhood! "(Your mother's name) where did you...?" 

"One of the fisherman caught this," she replies, "I cut a deal with him, which was to kill his wife in order to get this pretty fish." 

Kurapika laughs in response. The fisherman's wife had always been such a bitch. He was glad she was finally gone. (WTF?) 

"How did you kill her?" he asked. 

"They asked me to make dinner for their family, so I poured a lot rat poison in her dish and she ate it like a dumbfuck!" your mother answers calmly as she sits herself across from Curarpikt. 

That makes him laugh more. "Wow she really was dumb!" 

Your mommy nods, "Yup, even their kids were happy!" 

"Well, that definitely shows something. Say, how are our kids?" he asks. He hasn't seen the kids in so long. 

"Ah, they're all doing well. Right now they're at grandma's house but they should be returning very soon. Granny never keeps them too long since they're such brats, especially the adopted one!" 

You are the adopted child. 

Fucking shit! 

FUCK! 

Kurapika laughs again because he's a mother fucker, like literally, "I can't wait to see how much they've grown." 

Curarpickt had been gone for like, 2 years, so yeah. But what was he doing those past 2 years? Killing spiders. He finally killed the last one... and the blood was all over his clothes as you can tell. 

"So, dig in." Your mama says with a smile. She wants to know what he thinks of the lobster since she hasn't made one in so long. 

The retarded white lobster was topped with breadcrumbs, various vegetables & fruits Kurapika didn't even know of, and seasoned to perfection. Your mummy even made sure to shove stuffing up its ass like a turkey! (Wait lobsters have those?) 

Kurapika takes his fucking time getting a small piece of lobster, making sure he also takes half the fruits & veggies, stuffing, and breadcrumbs. He takes a bite afterwards, but it wasn't even lobster it was a fucking watermelon!! 

"This lobster is very sweet. I like it!" he finally says after staring at his plate for two whole minutes. 

"Haha thanks I rubbed it in five whole sticks of butter." 

Kurapika then woofs down the entire plate of food. Such a gentleman amirite? Your mom stares at him happily. She's glad to finally have him back and she's also glad she used that wrinkle remover. Lmfao. 

Kurapika takes another tiny fucking piece of lobster as well as the other half of the other contents before he has the fucking nerve to ask your mom, "Aren't you gonna eat some too, (ur mom's name here klol)???" 

"No, no. I'm fine I ate pudding earlier." she replies. 

So Kurapika continued eating ungentlemanly and eventually does eat the whole albino lobster. He also eats the breadsticks as well as the basket that they were sleeping in cause he hasn't eaten shit in ten days. It was all part of the starvation program. 

"I'm stuffed. Thanks for the meal!" Kurapika says as he pushes his chair in and stands up. He begins to walk away but not before your mum asks, "Wait, you're just gonna leave me here? :("

Kurapika mentally punches himself in the head. Where was his condom courtesy? Uh, no. I meant; common courtesy?

"Of course not, dear." he says as he returns and picks your mom up from the seat she was sitting in bridal style. She's like, still nudieee, so he's tottaaallly touching her butt haha.

Kurapika smiles as he carries her upstairs to the bedroom, mind you he's still fucking covered in blood! But once again, mumzy doesn't care because Kurapika is BAE.

"You've gained quite the pounds, hon!" he exclaims before he approaches the bedroom. (A/N: My EX-Boyfriend used to say that fucking shit to me! Asswipe! I hope he's not reading this kbye.) Your mam nods.

Oh no.

Oh fucking no.

YOUR MOM AND KURAPIKA ARE GONNA DO THE NASTY!! NOOO!!

Kurapika takes his nasty bloody clothes off.

"What happened to you? You're so bony. Did you starve yourself again?" moooooom asks with concern as she looks at his naked body.

Kurapika has to think for like 5 fucking minutes. Yes he did starve himself, but why the fuck would he admit it??? Not his fault he didn't bring food on the run, right??

"No... Yes... Maybe?" he finally answers?

"Poor thing! I'll make sure you fatten you up then ;) ;) ;)" 

Ewwwwwww mom no.

So like, Kurapika helps her out of the damn apron but keeps the heels on because why the fuck not? Let's just fucking leave the last 3% of clothes on to fuck!

Or maybe he has a heels fetish?!?!!??!?!?!

Then Kurapika grabs what he thinks is a boobie but it's really just one of your mom's fat rolls lmao.

"haha nice b00bs." he says,

"Oh, no, that's just a fat roll." your mom corrects him and they both laugh.

And then just as they begin making out a little kid pops out from a pillow.

"WOW, WHAT ARE YOU TWO DOING?!?!??" the kid asks.

It's fucking Gon Freecss, the neighbor's asshole (but like really cute) kid.

"WHAT THE FUCK FUCK!?!?!?" They both scream!

Gon laughs and starts running around the room like he had too much sugar or something. He's only like four anyway.

"FUCKING BRAT!" Your mom yells as she grabs a dildo and throws it at him.

Gon falls over and starts crying.

"Oh, that kid sure did grow," Kurapika says slightly surprised. He hadn't seen Gon in over two years!

And then Killua, the kid who lives a block away, pops out from the other pillow and screams, "SURPRISE BUTTSEX!"

"Him too..." Kurapika says with a sweatdrop on his head and that weird '-.-' anime expression.

Killua really doesn't even know what 'buttsex' means, fucking dumb ass kid, so he asks, "Hey, why are Kurapika and (ur m0ms name) nekkid??"

They both facepalm. Sexy time was ruined... :(

Your mom and Kurapika quickly dressed and answered at the same time, "You'll learn when you're older, okay??" They started to shove Killua out the room with Gon, too.

"Why when I'm older? I'm older now! Tell me!" Killua whines while a still crying Gon is dragged to the living room.

"Because.... You still need to ripen, young fruit!" Kurapika says, which reminds him of a certain clown who now owns a daycare nearby.

Hisoka licked his fucking lips then. He was cleaning the last smelly poo-filled diaper. Ew.

"Oh... WAIT, I'M NOT A FRUIT!" Killua yells.

Then Gon stops crying when he sees the blood on the living room carpet, "Yay! Floor ketchup! My favorite!" He runs over to lick it up.

"No, child!!" Kurapika runs after Gon while your mom fights with an angry Killua.

And just during all of this mess, the doorbells rings.

Kurapika stops Gon, who now wants to know who's at the door, and answers the door.

It's grandma. She's pissed off that she had to watch the damn kids and she kicks them into the house before driving off again. Kurapika didn't even get to say 'hello,' and grandma didn't even really notice him or fucking care.

Gon is happy he has more kids to play with. Killua is shy and hides behind your mom.

Well, technically 'you' are now there, with your brother.

But... Who is your brother??

Leorio.

WHAT?!?!?

He's seven years old and wearing a little business man suit complete with the suitcase and those stupid (amazing) glasses.

"Hi.... Kids...." Kurapika says, shocked.

"DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAADDDDDDDDDDDDDY!!!!" Leorio runs to greet papa (THIS IS SO FUCKING WRONG!) and steps on 'you' in the process. It fucking sucked to be the adopted child!

Your mom reassures Killua that you and your brother Leorio are good kids, but Killua whines for a while until he is given candy.

"Yay!" Killua says in between sucking on his cat-shaped lollipop.

Gon chases Leorio around while you're just left in the fucking background, how sad. The kids play all evening until Kurapika sends them home, their parents worried as all hell and wondering why they weren't home in the first place.

After a long, even more exhausting day, your mooom and Curarpikt sit themselves down and let out a sigh of relief. You and Leorio had already been sent to bed and the blood stains from the carpet had been long scrubbed up.

"(YOUR MOM's NAME), we sure had an interesting day, didn't we?" Kurapika asked.

"Yes, we sure did."

They both laugh it off before heading themselves to bed. No fucking happened because kids take a toll on your energy, but there was snuggling.

"I love you, Kurapika." your mom declares.

"I love you too, (your mamas name lel)." Kurapika replies as he snuggles another fat roll.

THE END.

...Kurapika never did take a shower.

**Author's Note:**

> *sets myself on fire*


End file.
